Cumbria Humanist Group
Promoting a Positive Caring Outlook for the Non-Religious
Quotes and Misquotes!
(A Touch of Levity never did any harm . . .)
Humour and satire have always played a serious role in debunking religion: this page will contain some of our favourite examples. If you can suggest any others, please let us know. See also the Culture and Media section on the Links page.
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Dave Allen. I’ve just found this – a clip of Dave Allen on Religion! Wonderful! Sadly missed and probably one of the funniest – he “extracted the nitrogenous substances” from religion so brilliantly!
No relation unfortunately – I’m sure he’d have been a fantastic big brother!
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"Look Away Now" (BBC Radio 4 on Wednesday at 6.30 pm) a new sport / comedy series, hosted by Garry Richardson of the Today programme, last week included some hilarious bible-mocking! I’ve split this into three sections as they featured in the show. (Click on the links to listen.) One. Two. Three.
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Last summer the New Humanist magazine contained two major features on Humour and its role in the humanist philosophy. The first, in the July/August 2007 issue, was an interview by Laurie Taylor with Richard Curtis, creator of both Black Adder and Not The Nine o' Clock News, as well as founder of the Comic Relief charity. The second, in the September/October magazine, had Laurie introducing the contributors to the New Humanist's recent public debate on humour at London’s Royal Society of Arts. These included the incomparable polymath Jonathan Miller, currently President of the Rationalist Association, whose renowned humour dates back (at least) as far as the Cambridge Footlights in the 1950s, as well as political cartoonist Martin Rowson and comedian Natalie Haynes. Well worth a look!
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A transcript from BBC Radio 4's The News Quiz, sometime in 2002, where panel members - Jeremy Hardy in this case - read out local news clippings sent in by listeners. It’s from the Winchester and Mid- Hampshire Observer, and it’s an editorial response to a reader’s letter :
“Good point well made, Mr. Duncan. As you clearly say, it states in Leviticus Chapter 18 Verse 22 that homosexuality is an abomination. Which reminds me—there are a couple of things I need guidance on. Firstly, If I wanted to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7, how much could I expect to make from such a deal? Also, my colleague Pete insists on working on the sabbath. Exodus clearly says he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or is it OK to get some outside help? Lastly, does the whole city really have to be together to stone my brother John for planting different crops side by side. And when I burn my mother for wearing garments made from two different threads, do I torch her whole or just a bit?”
Wonderful! (Click here for audio.)
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Life Explained?
On the first day, God created the dog and said: “Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.” The dog said: “That’s a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I’ll give you back the other ten?” So God agreed.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said: “Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I’ll give you a 20 year life span.” The monkey said: “Monkey tricks for 20 years? That’s a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back 10 like the dog did? And God agreed.
On the third day, God created the cow and said: “You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer’s family. For this, I will give you a life span of 60 years.” The cow said: “That’s kind of a tough life you want me to live for 60 years. How about twenty and I’ll give back the other forty?” And God agreed again.
On the fourth day, God created man and said: “Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I’ll give you 20 years.” But man said: “Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my 20, the 40 the cow gave back, the 10 the monkey gave back, and the 10 the dog gave back, that makes 80, okay?” “Okay,” said God, “You asked for it.”
So that is why for our first 20 years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next 40 years we slave in the sun to support our family For the next 10 years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last 10 years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you. There is no need to thank me for this valuable information.
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Gagged! Your last chance to have a laugh at religion??(From The Independent website, 21 June 2005.)
Heard the one about the rabbi and the priest? ("Nicer than pork, isn't it?" That one????) Well, soon you might have to keep it to yourself. As MPs vote on whether to go ahead with a Bill that could outlaw religious jokes, we celebrate comedy's finest at their blasphemous best. (Fortunately - and sensibly - this Bill was kicked into the dust where it belonged.) Here are a couple as a taster: you can read the rest on the website! Although they don't really get much better . . . it's just a matter of principle?
MONTY PYTHON FROM LIFE OF BRIAN
"Ex Leper: 'Yes, sir, a bloody miracle, sir. God bless you.'
Brian: 'Who cured you?'
Ex Leper: 'Jesus did, sir. I was hopping along, minding my own business. All of a sudden, up here he comes. Cures me. One minute I'm a leper with a trade, next minute my livelihood's gone. Not so much as by your leave.' 'You're cured mate.' Bloody do-gooder!"
DAVE ALLEN
"So the priest is talking to the minister, and he's complaining that someone's stolen his bicycle. The minister replies, 'Well, I've had things go missing too. What I always do is to give a sermon on the Ten Commandments, and really lay into 'thou shalt not steal'. Usually, the item just turns up by Tuesday.' The priest agrees, and they go their separate ways.
The next week, the minister meets the priest again, and asks whether he got the bike back. 'Oh, yes! I did just what you said, and when I got to the bit about coveting thy neighbour's wife, I remembered just where I'd left it!' "
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A wonderfully hilarious tirade from Marcus Brigstocke, broadcast on Radio 4’s “The Now Show” on 20 July 2007, against the three main monotheistic religions and the havoc they create! (Make sure your computer’s sound system is switched on when you link to this.)
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Some people will believe anything!! The Onion – an American website – forwarded to me by a humanist friend. I am firmly of the Mornington Crescent persuasion on this one, but . . . there’s always one! See what you think.
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Another great American website is Positive Atheism - the name speaks for itself. Among a mass of material, it contains an inspiring range of quotations from the scintillating literary stars of atheism, including Bertrand Russell, George Bernard Shaw, Oscar Wilde, Mark Twain, George Orwell, Woody Allen and the wonderful Douglas Adams (Hitchhiker's Guide . . . ). Click on the names to read the quotations from each author. You may feel that some obvious names are missing, but don't forget that we are biased towards the humorous here!
Positive Atheism has nothing on Groucho Marx, but another site has! Not really atheistic I suppose, but . . . "Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others."
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"Religion is the greatest labour-saving device ever invented. Why? Because once you believe, you never have to think again". From a letter to New Scientist magazine, spotted by a member.
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email : info@cumbria-humanists.org.uk
Phone Chris Allen on (01228) 810592 or Iain Paterson on (01768) 881245.
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